7. The Entire Redheaded Population of Riverdale
I seem like I need to resolve this due to the fact that NO ONE is discussing it, however has anybody else observed that 75 percent of Riverdale’ s population is redheads? HAVE YOU ?? indico, statistically speaking, just how much incest do we believe is taking place in this one town? I understand of a minimum of one verified case, however that doesn’ t describe why 3 del 8 primary characters are gingers. Questo non è’ t actually a batshit minute from the season even The CW attempting to press the redhead program down our throats with scenes like this:
Subtle, CW, extremely subtle. I see precisely what you’ re doing here, and you understand exactly what? esso ’ s definitely working. * updates Bumble bio to “ into gingers ” *
6. If a trainee banging his instructor is one of the least interesting things to occur all season, Archie Bangs Miss Grundy
You understand this program is lit AF. Archie Andrews, star of Riverdale and factor I have trust concerns with gingers, was hectic
discovering his “ noise ” banging his music instructor Miss Grundy all summer season, which obviously everybody learns about legitimate 3 episodes deep. Sinceramente, the entire teacher/student plot was less sordid and hot and more dull and gross. Archie never ever as soon as calls her by her given name– it’s Geraldine, btw– rather describing her as “ Miss Grundy ” even when he ’ s railing her on the piano between the early morning statements. Sinceramente, all my sensations concerning this relationship can be summarized into one scene when Fred Andrews, Archie’ s DAD, strikes on Miss Grundy and after that thanks her for “ taking in interest in his child.”
FRED: So you believe my kid’ s got some skill, huh?
MISS GRUNDY: sì, lui’ s in realtà
got a shot at dry-humping me after school in my VW bug a music profession.
ME: But, piace, have you paid attention to the kid’ s tunes ??
5. Polly Uncovers The Infamous Blossom Secret
Polly Cooper is subtle the most bothersome character on this program. Piace Hannah Baker levels of inconvenience. On a scale of one to terrible teenager mothers she ’ s right up there with that 14-year-old from. Since she appears like the type who believes doing it in a hot tub can ’ t get you pregnant, I primarily believe this. She smiles too much. Ho messo su ’ t trust it. Comunque,esso ’ s this street-smart person whochooses the very best relocation for her and her coming kids is to move into the Blossom estate and attempt and discover all their deep, dark household tricks due to the fact that exactly what could fail with that strategy? And kid, are they twisted! Does she discover who killed Jason, her dead fan and the dad of her twins? Is the Blossom ’ s million dollar maple syrup dynasty(lol) actually a cover-up for some sort of underground red-headed infant black market? No, Polly learns that Mr. Blossom is– await it– not a natural redhead. Sul serio, we must send this woman to Russia and see if she can get to the bottom of this “ hacking ” scandal due to the fact that she is fucking gifted.
4. The Jughead Makeout Scene
has actually altered my life in a lot of methods, however mainly in the manner in which the majority of my sexual dreams now include Cole Sprouse, aka the twin who dressed up in drag on. si, Là ’ s been a great deal of self-reflection occurring in my life recently. When Betty and Jughead began attaching I was so herefor it for lots of factors. For one, io ’ m incredibly into that entire excellent girl/bad young boy trope, which is why I ’ m most likely why I’ m single. esso ’ s crucial to understand yourself. Secondo, their relationship brings some much required heat to exactly what would otherwise be a program about Archie Andrews and his fuckboy experiences. si, io ’ m rooting for these 2 insane kids. The majority of this season was simply a great deal of hand holding and fast kisses sinceBetty is a virgin who can ’ t drive the authors like to dabble my feelings. The last episode of last season
we lastly see the great shit: Betty and Jughead getting to 2nd base. I understand, esso ’ s thrilling. Whatever. Viewing these 2 dry-hump in a trailer is sexier than the majority of my Bumble dates rn so I think I ’ ll take exactly what I can get here.
3. Due to the fact that I ’ m holding an animosity about the entire Jughead thing, dark Betty
Tbh I didn ’ t love Betty in the start she was type of bothersome and whiny and her style options made it actually hard for me to support her
.That stated, Betty goes DARK mid-season when she techniques scumbag Chuck into admitting that he sexually pesters ladies for funzies. And by dark I imply she has a full-on psychotic break a typical female action to being sexually pestered by a male. Rather of internalizing her hatred for Chuck she in fact does something about it. She chooses to roofie the star of the football group, handcuff him to a jacuzzi then threatens to burn him alive if he doesn ’ t excuse being a cock. * sluggish claps * Not all heroes use capes, women– often they use underwear and a wig. Sinceramente, can ’ t state I sanctuary ’ t idea of doing the very same. io ’ m living for this variation of Betty a lot. Like YAS queen I am so here for you andyour vengeance, please fuck that kid up registered nurse. Qui ’ s hoping thisinsane bitch makes a look in season 2.
2. The Incest Twist
If you believed the maple syrup fight was dark, well we ’ re ready to get darker. I believed there was a lot I might manage in regards to plot twists. Piace, teenager pregnancies? Okay, quello ’ s in fact sort of average for a teenager drama. Town murders? Fine, io ’ ll see where this goes. Fucking Archie being referred to as the next John Mayer of our generation? Sinceramente, tu ’ re pressing it.Simply when I was getting comfy with all of the bullshit the authors attempt to toss my method on a weekly basis, they bring out an incest plot twist. Quella ’ s ideal fam, Polly and Jason are COUSINS. I believe my instant response when I learnt this news was someplace along the lines of:
Tbh the only individuals we need to blame for this entire cousin-loving thing are the moms and dads. Voglio dire, how were Polly and Jason expected to understand they were related? Polly doesn ’ t even have red hair! E come, far be it for them to simply come right out and inform their kids that the individual they gave homecoming was really subtle associated to them. Eliminate them to a nunnery? Sicuro, fantastic concept. Inform their kid they ’ ve been constructing with somebody who shares a portion of their DNA with them? Nah, noi ’ ll simply them they can ’ t see each other due to the fact that of the maple syrup thing. That description ought to be sufficient.
1. Cheryl Burning Her Life To The Ground
io ’ ve never ever felt more linked to a human than when Cheryl Blossom burned her entire fucking life tothe ground in the season ending. Sinceramente, renowned. indico, sure, I do this shit figuratively every Friday night after 6 glasses of wine when I ’ m left not being watched with my phone, comunque ancora. Cheryl had like, a lot to handle this season. To sum it up: Her twin was killed by her daddy and her mom was type of a bitch about it. Not to discuss Veronica took the River Vixens from her AND Archie, who will legit construct with anybody who has a vaginal area and sounds slightly thinking about his music, turned her down. Then I put on ’ t understand exactly what are, if those aren ’ t legitimate adequate factors to burn your life to the ground and begin once again.
^ ^ Actual video of me * hungover on a Saturday early morning enjoyingmy life increase in flames
* And by “ me ” I suggest Mrs. Blossom viewing Drunk Me Cheryl savor her disastrous decision-making abilities